The Loneliness of Changing Your Relationship With Drinking in Your 20s and 30s in NYC
You want to change your drinking. Maybe you’re tired of drinking more than you intended, feeling anxious the next morning, or spending most of your weekend recovering.
Or maybe you’ve started to realize that you don’t actually enjoy it as much as you used to.
You have reasons for wanting to cut back. But when you start making changes, you realize how much of your social life involves alcohol.
Your friends are meeting for drinks. A date suggests a bar. Your coworkers are going to happy hour. You still want to spend time with people, but you don’t want to drink every time you do.
Cutting back on drinking can feel lonely when alcohol is part of how you connect with people. You’re changing a familiar way of spending time together, and you may not yet know what will take its place. In NYC, where getting drinks is such an easy plan, that change can affect a lot of your week.
Why can drinking less feel lonely?
Maybe you go out with your friends and don’t drink, but find yourself wanting to leave earlier than everyone else. You enjoyed the beginning of the night, but a few hours in, you’re ready to go home.
Or you turn down plans because you know you’ll have a hard time sticking to your limits. You feel good about that decision until you’re sitting at home, wondering what everyone is doing.
Maybe your friends are supportive, but they keep suggesting the same plans. They don’t pressure you to drink, yet you’re still spending every Saturday night in a bar.
You may find yourself thinking, “I want to drink less, but I don’t want to stop having a social life.”
The loneliness can come from actually making the change. You’re doing something differently, and the people and routines around you may not have changed with you.
In NYC, getting drinks is the default plan
Getting drinks doesn’t require much planning. You can meet after work, choose somewhere nearby, and see where the night goes. When you’re in your 20s and 30s in NYC, it can become the default way to spend time with friends, get to know coworkers, or go on dates.
If you’re the person cutting back, you may also become the person responsible for suggesting something else.
You’re finding an activity, sending the link, and checking whether everyone wants to go. Sometimes your friends are interested. Other times, the plan ends up being drinks anyway.
That can be frustrating. You’re already putting effort into changing your drinking, and now spending time with your friends takes more effort, too. You may wish someone else would suggest a plan that makes it easier for you.
Reflection Question:
What role has alcohol played in your social life?
Part of changing your relationship with alcohol is understanding what you’ve been getting from it.
Maybe drinking helps you feel less anxious around new people. Maybe it gives you something to do at the end of a stressful week. Or maybe it’s simply how you’ve always spent time with your friends, and you haven’t had much reason to try anything else.
If drinking has been a way to connect, relax, or feel included, cutting back can leave you unsure of how to meet those needs. You may want to drink less and still miss parts of going out.
It can help to get specific about what you miss. Is it time with your friends? Having something to look forward to? Feeling comfortable enough to talk to someone new?
Those answers can help you understand what you need as you make changes.
How to build a social life that doesn’t revolve around drinking:
Community matters. It can be helpful to have people and places in your life where drinking isn’t the main way you spend time together.
Find an activity you can return to.
A sports league, running group, art class, or recurring alcohol-free social event can give you a place to see people regularly.
Having something else to do together gives you a starting point. You don’t have to come up with an alternative plan every time you want to be social, and you have opportunities to get to know people over time.
Choose something you’re actually interested in. If you don’t enjoy running, you don’t have to join a running group just because you’re drinking less.
Ask your friends to share the planning.
It can help to be direct with the people you’re close to: “I still want to hang out, but I’m trying to make fewer plans around drinking. Can you help me think of something else we could do?”
Your friends may understand that you’re cutting back without realizing how much effort you’re putting into making different plans. Asking them to help gives them a clearer idea of what support could look like.
Start with people who are open to doing something different.
Maybe there’s a friend who would enjoy getting breakfast on the weekend, going to a museum, or taking a class together.
You don’t have to figure out a new plan for your whole social circle at once. Start with someone you want to spend time with and something you’d both enjoy.
Pay attention to what feels difficult.
If you keep finding yourself wanting to drink in certain situations, get curious about what’s happening.
Are you worried you won’t have anything to say? Do you feel uncomfortable explaining why you aren’t drinking? Are you staying out longer than you want because you’re afraid of missing something?
Understanding what feels hard can help you decide what support you need and which plans work for you right now.
How therapy can help you change your relationship with alcohol
You may be keeping up with work, maintaining your relationships, and handling your responsibilities while still feeling unhappy with your drinking. You don’t have to wait for a major consequence before bringing it into therapy.
I tend to start by helping clients understand their relationship with alcohol: what leads to drinking, what they’re hoping it will help them manage, and what happens afterward.
If cutting back feels lonely, we can also look at what drinking has meant in your relationships. We might work on handling social situations without automatically turning to alcohol, communicating what you need, and finding other ways to feel connected.
My goal is to help you understand what you want your relationship with alcohol to look like and build the skills to get there. You don’t need to have that figured out before starting.
In-person therapy in Midtown Manhattan and online therapy in NY and NJ
I offer in-person therapy in Midtown Manhattan and virtual therapy for people located throughout New York and New Jersey.
If you’re questioning your drinking or finding it difficult to follow through on changes, we can work together to understand what’s getting in the way—including the parts that affect your friendships, dating life, and sense of connection.
