Social Anxiety Isn’t Just Shyness: Here’s What It Really Feels Like (And What Helps)
If you’ve ever been called “too quiet,” “socially awkward,” or told to “just relax,” you might be dealing with something deeper than shyness.
Social anxiety is often misunderstood and minimized. People assume it’s just about being introverted or nervous in crowds. But social anxiety is more than that. It’s not a personality quirk. It’s a lived experience that can feel exhausting, isolating, and at times, completely overwhelming.
In this post, we’ll explore what social anxiety actually feels like and what can help.
What Is Social Anxiety?
Social anxiety is a persistent fear of being judged, rejected, or humiliated in social situations. It’s not the occasional nerves before a presentation. It’s an ongoing pattern of discomfort that can impact how you show up in conversations, relationships, classrooms, workplaces, and even group texts.
It can look like:
Rehearsing what you’ll say in your head before speaking
Avoiding eye contact or eating in public
Canceling plans last minute because it just feels too hard
Ruminating for hours (or days) about something you said
For some, it’s a low-grade hum of anxiety in every social setting. For others, it spikes like panic the moment they’re called on or put in the spotlight.
Social Anxiety Is Not Just “Being Shy”
Shyness is a temperament. Social anxiety is a condition rooted in fear.
The fear might be of:
Saying the wrong thing
Looking awkward
Being misunderstood
Taking up too much space
Or not being “enough” in some way
Often, these fears are tied to past experiences: times when you were dismissed, criticized, excluded, or embarrassed in front of others. Your nervous system remembers, and it learns to scan for danger in every interaction.
The result? You start avoiding things that used to feel simple. Coffee with a friend. Speaking in class. Showing up to a party alone. And the more you avoid, the more isolated and anxious you tend to feel.
What Social Anxiety Feels Like (From the Inside Out)
If you're living with social anxiety, you might recognize these patterns:
Mentally:
Obsessive overthinking before and after social interactions
Constant self-monitoring (“Am I talking too much? Not enough?”)
Worrying about how others are perceiving you in real time
Emotionally:
Shame or guilt for not being more confident
A sense of invisibility, or a fear of being “too much”
Feeling like connection is always just out of reach
Physically:
Tight chest, flushed skin, sweating, or nausea
Freezing up or going blank when put on the spot
Avoiding physical closeness (like hugs or handshakes) out of fear
If this is your reality, you’re not broken. You’re navigating the world with a nervous system that’s working overtime to protect you.
What Helps? (Beyond “Just Be Yourself”)
Unlearning social anxiety takes time, compassion, and the right tools. Here’s what can actually help:
1. Name What’s Happening
The first step is recognizing that social anxiety isn’t a flaw; it’s a response. When you name it, you create a little more space between you and the spiral.
Try this internal reframe:
“This is social anxiety. My brain thinks I’m unsafe, but I am okay right now.”
2. Practice Micro-Exposure
You don’t have to jump into the deep end. Start small:
Make eye contact with the barista
Say hi to a neighbor
Contribute one sentence in a group conversation
Every tiny step is building tolerance and trust.
3. Find Regulating Practices
Social anxiety lives in the body. So your healing has to, too. Tools like: breathwork, grounding techniques, and somatic therapy can help your body recognize when it's safe to soften.
4. Challenge Your Inner Narrator
Often, social anxiety comes with a harsh internal voice. Therapy can help you identify whose voice that is and begin to rewrite the script.
What would it sound like to speak to yourself with curiosity instead of criticism?
Therapy for Social Anxiety Can Make a Big Difference
You don’t have to white-knuckle your way through every social situation.
Therapy offers a space to:
Explore the root of your anxiety
Understand your nervous system
Learn new ways to regulate and relate
Build authentic, fulfilling connection without pushing yourself to perform
At Kendall B Therapy, we help people develop the emotional and embodied skills needed to move through social spaces with more confidence and ease.
You’re Allowed to Take Up Space
Social anxiety can make you feel like there’s something wrong with you… that everyone else has it all figured out and you’re the only one struggling.
But here’s the truth:
You’re not too much. You’re human.
And you deserve relationships—and tools—that support your full self.
If you’re ready to move beyond fear and into connection, book a free consultation with Kendall today. We’re here to help you find your voice, your calm, and your way forward.
Hi I’m Kendall! I’m a licensed mental health counselor based in NY and NJ.
I help high-achieving adults navigate challenges like anxiety, disordered eating, and their relationship with alcohol and marijuana, whether they’re pursuing full sobriety recovery or sober curious therapy. My work supports healing, self-trust, and sustainable growth through a compassionate, evidence-based care.